Running bad in poker

I can safely say that in my 9 year career, with 5 years full-time, of playing poker I've never ran worse than I have right now. Just like anybody else I've been in slumps where it seems like I can't win or that I'm running worse than average, but sooner or later I snap out of it. Since January 2008, I've had two decent starts to a month but neither of them ended up being a very good month at the end of the month and since April, I've had a large losing month every single month.

When I finally snap out of this rut that I'm in and the next time I start running great and make $20k in 3 weeks in our lousy Tunica 2/5 game or make 25k in two weeks of online play, I'm going to count my blessings and hold onto that money a lot harder. I've always been really bad about fucking off my money and spending it unwisely, making bad investments or just the good old "Get drunk and blow $15k because you're mad at the world" kind of thing but I'm slowly realizing that poker isn't as easy as it used to be and money does not come around that easily.

I don't want this to turn into a bad beat post but there's been so many ridiculous hands I've played since World Series of Poker in June/July and now on this Los Angeles trip in Commerce. There's been so many coolers where I've been on the bad end of the cold-deck, so many ridiculous gutshots for 2k or 3k pots that I feel like I'm running an absurd amount of money under my real equity for the last few months. But there's nothing I can do about it.

It's gotten so bad the last while that I am totally gunshy when I play, which in turn I think makes it so that I play bad poker, which in turn fortifies the fact that I'm going to lose for the session and it is just a horrendous cycle.

I had a couple of hands earlier today where I flop a 6 high flushdraw, turn the flush and I'm check-calling every street not even attempting to go for value because I assume I'm beat every time, and I was. He had a higher flush. I later raise with a pair of queens and get a 655 flop and I check the flop, check the turn and call a small bet and check and call the river because I'm assuming I'm beat every hand. In that hand, it turns out I was, he had T5 off he called 50 with.

There's not just the bad beat hands either, I miss out on an $800 pot earlier because I used the same mentality. I assumed I was beat. Call 65 pre with JJ. Four people in the pot. Flop Q83 rainbow. Raiser, who was on the button and a LAGtard, bets 175 on the flop. I really didn't feel that he was strong at all and my gut instinct was to call, but then I had two people behind me, so I thought if I make a small raise to about $375 or 400 I at least fold out their KQ/QJ/QT type hands... but then I turn my hand into a bluff at the same time. I am thinking what to do when I just fold because I'm clueless. I had no idea what to do because I don't trust my own instincts anymore. Both guys call behind me so I'm thinking I made a decent fold. Turn Q river some blank they check it the whole way down and the guy on the button wins with 99.

If I'm not such a vagina in the hand, I'll 3-bet him preflop and lead the flop and I win the pot. Or raise the flop and I win the pot. Or call the flop and I win the pot. It seems like I'm zigging and zagging at the complete wrong times. I call when I'm beat and I fold when I'm ahead. It has completely started fucking with my head and I don't know what happens anymore.

Another rant... yesterday I miss out on tons of value with KK twice because I'm so scared of playing a hand I limp it preflop, just check-call the flop, turn and river and I end up making $200 bucks first time and $180 second time against hands where they would've paid me off a decent amount but I'm too scared to put in a bet. The reason I was particularily gunshy was that earlier in the session I play KK hard preflop, get it in for $1100 vs a guy who was making the game by playing erratically and basically was the target for everybody but he has AA and holds. A little later, I slowplay it preflop but play the flop and turn hard when I have black KK calling $90 preflop on a Q53 all spade flop, he has AA with the A of spades... money goes in on the turn (I bet 550 he sets me in for 350 more or so, I puke and call hoping to spike a spade which I did) and I get stacked there for 1400 or somewhere around there as he makes the nut-flush.

I do the complete opposite of what I'm supposed to do in just about every hand right now and I'm losing money at a rate that is absolutely alarming to me. I've tried everything. I keep a positive attitude coming in to play but usually four hours into the session I'm talking to myself and just wishing I hadn't woke up that day. Then I go home, think about the hands, tell myself I'm an idiot and go to sleep. Wake up the next day in a great mood and ready for this rush to start and for me to win money and then it happens again. Since May.

This was long but I had to write something to get it out of my system, I doubt a single person made it all the way down here to this paragraph unless you skipped a few! But I don't blame you, it is cathartic for me to be able to write and clear my head some. The next time I end up running good for a few months and run into a week where I lose a few hands and end up losing, I'm going to open this blog and re-read it and realize I've been through worse. However long it will be until I snap out of this damn thing. I try as hard as I can to not think about it and just enjoy life and the other good things I have in life and how happy I really should be, but it is very hard sometimes. Actually most of the time! It's a constant work in progress to try to ignore the poker results and just life happily anyways and maybe some day down the road I'll learn to separate the two.