Quit horsing around and lets tour New Orleans

I went over to the Intercontinental hotel last night as I woke up right at midnight. The hotel, which by the way, is an awesome four or five star hotel that is just extremely classy and nice. In other words, everything we're not. I took my classy laptop and my luxurious ass over to the lobby to meet up with Jamie and play some online from the extravagant couches they had set up. He won a few hundred playing and I managed to pick up a couple thousand from PokerStars before we decided enough is enough, we have to let the donks rest or they might not come back for more.

I think we played about five hours or something like that, then checked out of the Intercontinental and went back to the Riverfront where we had our other room to take a nap. We have a double bed and we have four people sleeping, since Billy never sleeps and manages to play poker about 48 hours each session (no joke) it usually means that Shawn is in one bed and I have to snuggle with Jamie in the other bed. If you can get past the inappropriate touching and fondling, it's about as good as it will get. Shawn was down at the casino so we were able to sleep in one bed each, which was the pure nuts. We slept about four hours or so before we decided to take a walk down in New Orleans. I think we walked about a hundred feet, and went up a flight of stairs before Jamie was near passing out and was sounding like he was a stranded whale dying on the shore gasping for air. Being the fit, in-shape exercise freak that I am myself I easily jogged up the stairs with very little effort... only to collapse once I made it all the way up top. Something has to be done about this, it is ridiculous. I blame the heat index of 496 as I swear I saw somebody melting bronze by just leaving it on the sidewalk, that's how hot it was. We kept walking down and went into the French Quarters, which I believe might have been where the French hung out. I smart boy. I was looking for the Swedish quarters but for some reason, they were not to be found. Bummer. We went down to some place called Jimmy Buffets Margaritaville for some cajun food. I ordered some cajun pasta and Jamie ordered some fiery concoction that I cannot remember the name of. The pasta had some sausage, some peppers, shrimp and some other meat that I am not entirely sure I want to know where it came from. All topped with some insanity hot sauce that was unearthly spicy. Whatever he ordered was probably even hotter as it was drenched in this molten red liquid that just turned my stomach when I took a bite of it, I am fairly certain that if you fed that sauce that was on Jamies plate to a medium size child they might just implode. Anyhow, we finished up and went back to meet up with Shawn somewhere when my chest/stomacharea just started acting up completely. I felt like I was somewhere inbetween having a heartattack and having to shit terribly badly, in either case, it was quite uncomfortable. I sat down to catch my breath and ate half a pack of Tums to calm my raging intenstines down before I had a terrible accident infront of God, St. Louis, St. Pierre and whatever other god damn saints that used to live around there and now supposedly haunts the place. Luckily, the disaster was averted and life as we know it could go on. We walked towards some mall when all of a sudden I hear Jamie go, "Oh my lord."

I said, "What's wrong?"

He said, "I'm about to shit myself. I don't think I'm going to make it."

He started walking faster and faster while I kept encouraging him to slow down so we could really take in the sights and watch the French Quarter from up close. He kept going, "I'm not gonna make it, I'm fucking serious I'm not going to make it." followed by "I have to shit so badly I'm breaking out in a sweat, this is bad Swede, this is really bad."

Being the good buddy that I am, I was trying hard not to laugh while watching him in pain. We came close to this mall when all of a sudden it was not all fun and games anymore, because the vile Cajun food I had ingested decided it also wanted to break free, asap. Well, needless to say we ran to the closest restroom which we prayed was open, even though Jamie assured me he was ready to break down the fucking door if it wasn't. Once again, disaster was averted.

Shawn came to meet up with us a little later in the same mall and we decided to take a horse and buggy ride that lasted about thirty minutes through the French quarters. It was actually a badass tour and our tour-guide seemed to know his stuff, and I'm extremely interested in history anyway so it was awesome to me. Well worth the $60 we spent on it. After that, it was back to the hotel to play some more online and once again I managed to run pretty good which was very welcome. I played some on Pacific for the first time and their cashgames seemed insanely soft. No wonder Jamie is able to win on there.

Why I'm never drinking alcohol again

Monday night might have been one of the most messed up nights in quite a while. I was down playing a little bit of this and a little bit of that down at the casino, jumping between 2/5 No Limit and 15/30 Omaha just being bored and not playing my best. I dropped a thousand quite quickly without needing to do so at all, I just lost by playing badly. Billy had his girlfriend in town and their relationship has been quite rocky lately, I guess, because he was telling us some stories about how him and her need to break up etc. Anyhow, she flies into town and Billy is broke. She has a few hundred thousand and gambles real big on slots and she wouldn't give Billy $100 to go play poker on, and this set him off completely. He started ordering black russians and drinking them a couple at a time when I left the casino, and I had no idea what effect that would have on him!

I go back to the hotel and I lay in bed just relaxing watching TV with Jamie and Shawn when Billy calls on the phone. I answer and he's just yelling and screaming that he has had enough, he's leaving. He was yelling "Are you coming or not? I'm leaving right fucking now."

I didn't really think any more of it, so after we hang up I go back to watching TV. 10 minutes later Billy comes storming in through the door, blood running down his face, hands and mouth. He looks like he's been in a fucking war. He's yelling and screaming that he has to get the fuck out because "the bitch has gone crazy". I was thinking what the hell just went down here when he grabs his stuff and starts going out, we leave together with him and I'm still trying to figure out what happened. He says him and his girlfriend got in a fight, and while Billy is a semi-little guy she's a big girl so she apparently laid down the law. Anyhow, we run around back and forth while Jamie keeps getting phonecalls from Billy's girlfriend and it was just all kinds of drama for several hours. To make a long story short, I end up getting him a hotelroom as he's not allowed back in the hotel where the fight was at so I paid up the $90 to get him a room at the Intercontinental. I walk with him to a taxi-cab so we can go over to the hotel when he all of a sudden decides that he's not going to any fucking hotel, and that we can all just go fuck ourselves. This pissed me off to a great extent so I just decided to say screw it, I'm done, if he wants to be like that then he can walk around New Orleans drunk as hell and sleep on a park-bench. I go back to the hotelroom and Jamie goes to find Billy. I call Jamie about fifteen minutes later and I ask where he is, he says "I'm sleeping in the truck with Billy."

...

Well that doesn't sound right when there's an empty hotelroom at the Intercontinental, I told him that we'll come meet up with him and drive over to the hotel so we can get Billy in bed so this neverending night will actually come to an end. We finally get him into the hotel, and get checked into the room when Billy says I need something to drink, I'm going to find a vending machine. It's now about 8 AM and he walks out the door to find a vending machine. I take a taxi back to my hotel so I can get some sleep. Four hours later, at around noon, I talk to Jamie and he is still not back from the vending machine. I know sometimes vending machines can be in awkward spots but I have yet to find a vending machine that is four hours away from the hotel-room in a hotel. Well, great, I thought... that's just fucking brilliant. He eventually shows up at 4:30 PM, after allegedly sleeping on a park bench next to two homeless people clutching a McDonalds bag containing their breakfast menu in their arms. Somehow that sounds to me like a Kodak moment. Before you jump on us thinking we're assholes for leaving him hanging dry, we struggled with him for four and a half hours between 4 AM and 8:30 AM trying to get him into a hotelroom, get him somewhere he wouldn't hurt himself or others (he got in his truck saying he was driving to Philadelphia) and generally putting up with his pain in the assednessessess.

All in all, I realize after this night that I am never drinking alcohol again even though I was never at any point in this night drunk. I'm atleast never drinking until next weekend.

Sweet Southern Comfort

These events may or may not have happened, I'm hoping for the latter but I'm being constantly reminded of the former. Little comments like "How funny was it to see Swede dance last night?!" I don't remember it all, but I'm sure it would've be a night to remember. For some. Not for me. I am thoroughly embarassed to the point where I might never visit New Orleans again, or Louisiana for that matter. Liquor and beer, never fear. That's a bullshit statement if I ever heard one. I was playing some poker up in the poker-room (duh), winning a few hundred but being a little bored. Unfortunately they don't let you use iPods and there's only so much fucking Cajun accent I can take for one trip so it usually drives me insane about an hour into the session and I want to start eating the deck just to prove a point. I'm not entirely sure what it would prove, but it always comes to mind whenever I think about doing something in a rage of frustration. Anyway, so Jamie calls and says lets go to Bourbon, I said I don't know if I feel like it, he said "well come on."

Well shit, when he puts it that way it's hard to argue and I felt like I was talked into going but whatever. I racked up my chips and started walking down to Bourbon thinking I'll just walk down there instead of taking a cab, getting some fresh air and exercise.

About six hours and forty-five minutes later, give or take, I was one exhausted son-of-a-bitch that felt like I just walked an entire marathon twice. The air down here might be some of the worst I've ever smelled as well but that was besides the point, the thought is what counts. I found Jamie sitting at a table at some place by Bourbon and St Louis, it was some cajun restaurant and I saw Jamie sitting with a beer. My first thought is that he must've blown all the money we had on Pacific since the last time I saw him drinking (which supposedly was the first time in 9 years) was after a horrible session on one of my Full Tilt accounts. This catches my attention. I go up and order a beer too and he's in a sorta good mood, wow, maybe he didn't blow three thousand and he is just in a mood to party? Works for me, lets drink!

We ordered some gator bits, some chicken and andouille gumbo and we just got the food when Shawn came in. We offered him some of the gator bits, disguised as chicken strips and waited until he swallowed before we told him. We're good friends like that. Then after that we walked down Bourbon which was absolutely packed, we went to some gay bar and just stood on the balcony upstairs for a while. We're leaning up against the balcony just talking and drinking when Shawn goes "You're being checked out.", I seductively lean the other way and flash the trademarked swedish smile about to say 'what's up there ho... HOLY SHIT that's a big motherfucker!". He had a dress on though, and a mustache... not my cup of tea. We left a little while later to let Jamie pick another bar, and of course, we go to another gay bar. I mean what the fuck, there's only so much of a schlongfest that I can handle at one time so I politely asked in a non-offensive way if we can go to some other fucking place where there's actually women present. This is about when things went wrong for me. In one of the gay bars I started taking shots, and more shots and then red bull and vodka and after that it's all a fucking blur. I went off like a 16 year old having the first drunk, stumbling around and supposedly passing out in various places. That's nice to wake up to. I still am so embarassed it's ridiculous, I'm never drinking again.... ever... ever....

Then after this I wake up with the rooster at about 4pm, to the phone ringing off the hook. It is some woman from the front desk that asks me to come downstairs right now... well, okay then. I walk downstairs and she says we need to get out right now, I said excuse me? She says you're booked in for one night, we have people coming in and you need to pack your things and get out. That pissed me off immediately as I talked to some manager-guy not even three hours earlier making 100% sure that our room was taken care of and everything was fine. She says they're out of rooms and cannot extend us and that the manager I talked to earlier was a figment of my imagination, she didn't technically say the last part but she implied it. We go upstairs and call Harrah's, the casino who takes all the room-reservations and they had us in checking out Tuesday, and while this was all a clusterfuck it was completely priceless to see that fucking bitch of a front desk idiot put on a fake smile and nod while on the phone with the Harrah's manager-on-duty who told her that we are staying another night and everything is fine. I go over to Harrah's later and they apologize and this and that and asked if I wanted to complain about the woman to their supervisor and I said sure, so I told the guy what happened and he said he'd make sure to let her know. So if I wake up tomorrow with bloodstained towels outside the room and a little note saying she lost her job and if I ever leave the hotel I'm dead, tell my mom I love her.

I later sort of found out why she was mad, Billy's woman was down here doing the talking earlier in the morning. The last-name of the front desk woman is Lim, Billy's girlfriend said something along the lines of "Oh I got your name wrong when I talked to the other man, I thought your name was Kim, I thought all asian women were named Kim"

I'm sure that smoothed things over and made for a great customer-hotelfrontdeskwoman relation that will go on for years. I'm not surprised she was mad, I just don't know why she gave me all kinds of weird attitude.

Other than the-day-that-cannot-be-mentioned-again things are good, poker is up and down and on the last three days the sessions have been -850, +1350, +350, -900 so I'm pretty much close to even. It sucks balls. I'm down for the entire trip though thanks to donking some off online and the hotelrooms and the supersatellites and so on, but oh well. We're headed home on Tuesday, might stop by Philadelphia, MS and then go back home. Then it's off to the Scotty Nguyen tournaments in Oklahoma, I feel like I'm going to win a big tournament soon, I'm due!

I blew it.

Another poker only entry summarizing the few hours of the main event in New Orleans.

I woke up at 10 and got ready to go down to the casino as it was scheduled to start at 11 am. I make it down with a few minutes to spare and I drew a table full of donkeys, I mean there was not a single person at the table that could play a lick. I was very happy to draw a table without any pros to start things off. I wasn't nervous at all, I was nervous as hell the night before but as soon as I walked in, sat down and got my chips everything was fine. I definitely felt like the best player at my table no problem, as long as I wouldn't run into something stupid or donk it off I'd be fine. I decided I was gonna take the first hour and just take it easy and try to figure out if any of these guys actually could play.

They did the introduction, went through the rules and sang the national anthem before they uttered the famous phrase "Shuffle up and deal!" and the cards were in the air. I didn't play a single hand for the first 50-60 minutes, not one. The blinds were 25/50 and you started with T$10,000. Seat 7 opened up from the cutoff for $250, very loose/aggressive man in the 8 seat on the button re-raises to $700. I look down at two kings in the big blind. I think about how to play the hand and I decide I'm re-raising the hand, and if he comes over the top I'll have to let it go. I made it $1800 and the original raiser quickly folded, the old man thinks for a while and just flat-calls. The flop came down 7d-3d-3h and that seemed like a good flop for me, I'm not entirely sure what he's got yet but it is definitely big. Jacks, queens or aces is pretty much what I have him on. I bet $2500, the man thinks for quite a while. He finally asks me "Did you hit any of that?" and I said "Yes, I hit the 3."... he thought some more, played with his chips and finally said "Alright, I'm all-in." I asked for a count and it was $3925 more. If I folded the hand, I'd have 5100 left if I called and lost I'd have roughly $1200. I thought that he hesitated so long he might have queens on this hand, or even A-K of diamonds or something like that. I called and he flips up two aces and I'm drawing pretty dead. He wins, obviously and I lose 90% of the chips in one hand. I was so frustrated with running into that as I had such high hopes for this event. I took a walk for a while to try and calm down. I felt like it was already over because I had no chips left whatsoever but still thought if I double up twice maybe I have a shot.

I get back to the table, and as soon as it was my blind I posted my $50. Seat 5 raised to $150, I look down at 7-7 and I call. Flop came down 10-7-3 with two clubs, I check. He bet $250 and I just called. Turn came a 6, I checked again and he bets $250 again, I raise all-in the few chips I had left and he calls with 9-9 and I double through.

I played the regular short-stack poker because I was so ridiculously short I had no maneuvering-room whatsoever. I end up getting A-Q all-in preflop against 5-3 of spades when I re-raised his raise and he called me for some strange reason. It held and I was up to $3800. I thought that maybe I have a shot now, just one more double-through. The last hand before the second break, I pick up A-K of diamonds. Blinds are 50/100 and one guy limps in, I make it $500 total, everybody folds to the blind who calls. Flop came down As 10h 4s. He checks, I bet $600 and he calls. Turn was an offsuit Jack, a card I didn't like at all. He checks and I check behind. River is a harmless deuce, and the flushdraw missed. He bets $1500 and I decide that after showing weakness and checking behind on the turn he could have done the same with A-9, K-10 anything really. A missed flushdraw, whatever. I called and he showed J-10 for two-pair and I was back down to $1200. If I had won that hand, atleast I'd be back over $5000.

I go on break, come back shortly after that and blinds are 100/200 now. I move in twice and pick up the blinds and antes and I have about $1800 when Gavin Smith gets moved to my table into seat 8, I'm in seat 10. He brought about $36,000 in chips with him too. He right off the bat started raising a ton of pots, probably 7 out of 10 pots. I end up moving in on his raise with K-K against his A-3 and I double through up to $4300 total after picking up some chips on an un-called all-in previously. We then go on another break and come back to 100/200 with a 25 ante. Gavin goes wild and starts opening five pots in a row taking them down uncontested. I figure he's going to just keep running the table, as he's up to $63,000 at this point after breaking the guy on my right and he's just taking over. He raises to $700 again and I look down at KQ of spades, while not a great hand at all I figured I don't give Gavin credit for anything really in this spot, so I'd be in a coinflip at worst. I look at my chips and realize it's $2925 more to him which might make him fold most junk hands he'd open with. I move all-in and it folds to him, he asks how much more, and I respond with "2925.", he takes the $2925 in chips in his hand and he thinks about it for a second then throws it out there and calls. I didn't like that too much obviously. He flips up 5-5 and it's a coinflip. Flop J-6-3 turn 2 river some blank I don't even remember and I bust out. Amazingly frustrating because I never had a shot after donking it off with K-K against A-A early. I just hope I get a chance to play one again because I definitely want a shot to play in an event like that again with a deep-stack structure and not have to be a ridiculous shortstack the entire time.

Ticket to the big dance!

This entry is going to be about poker and very much un-funny, just a warning.

I woke up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning, also known as noon. There was a satellite tournament starting at 1pm, a $1080 buy-in mega satellite. I sold a bunch of my action to be able to pay the buy-in without feeling too bad about it, so I put up $580 myself and had other people take the other $500 worth of action. I got in bad shape really early when I misplayed one hand, but only lost about 450 chips (out of 3000 startchips) then I had a few big hands run into bigger hands and I was at about 750 chips when my table broke. I ended up playing with a guy I have played a ton with on the internet that I recognized for some reason, don't ask me how, and I gave him a bit too much respect I think and played weak in a hand against him. That won't happen again, and the guy I was playing with was SamENole (Matt Smith), ranked like fifth on Pocketfives.

I got moved to another table where I ran into Jamies friend Jeremy Tinsley, he was in the 10 seat and I was in the 1 seat, Jamie told him about me and he said he was going to take it easy on me (Ha! bring it on motherfucker) I ended up doubling through the very first hand I played with aces, flopping a set and getting paid, and a little later I doubled through Jeremy Tinsley when his A-3 failed to hold in a race vs my A-A. The satellite had 180 some odd people and paid 17 seats into the $10,000 Main Event and I busted about 75th or somewhere around there. I ran my two kings into a guy who had two fours, Tinsley said he folded a four so I felt pretty good about my hand... flop came down safe, turn came down safe and the river was the case fucking four. I was so frustrated because of the fact that I wanted to play in it so fucking badly. A little later I played a one-table satellite for $125, with one seat into another $1080 event. I didn't win it, but I did a sidebet with three other guys so I still won money. We all put up $50 a piece and the one who made it the furthest won $200 total, I lasted longer than the other three so I was atleast freerolling in that one.

Then as I busted from that one, they called that a super satellite $200 re-buy was about to start so I decided I was going to play. Jamie had $500 to his name, and had invested $200 in the first tournament and STILL gave me a hundred because he wanted part of my action, that was pretty funny. He said "No motherfucker can say that I'm scared to gamble!" Anyway, I got the chiplead semi-early in the event and held onto it all the way to the final table. I made one mistake of the entire tournament with five people left, three people got a seat into the big one but I still made it, so I'm extremely excited about getting a chance to play in the $10k main event. I've always wanted to play a main event so this'll be fun. As long as I can get onto a decent start and not bust early I'll be in good shape... cross your fingers for me, and I'll update tomorrow after hopefully having a decent chipstack and making it into day two.

N'awlins

So we rode down to New Orleans from Philadelphia, MS. It took about four and a half to five hours and the ride wasn't too bad. I stopped and bought myself some Sudoko puzzles to solve in the car, and after realizing I must be a fucking retard and messing up the first Sudoko puzzle I said fuck it.

We came in on the highway and the road looked horrible, the bridge was all cracked up and the stairway or whatever that was running alongside the bridge had blown away. The houses as you entered New Orleans were all tore up, it looks dirty and it smells filthy it is unbelievable really. We went down Bourbon Street though and that wasn't bad at all, some good stuff happening there. Then Jamie said, "Lets go all the way down the road, the best clubs are down there." We all merrily walk down towards there thinking we'll see some hot girls just throwing themselves at us, free beer and all kinds of stuff. So we walk up on the club and Jamie goes, "THIS is the place to be", I'm like "Alright!"... so we are about to walk up and I see two guys in a tonguetwisting tonguelock and that's when it struck me what kind of bar/club it was. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gay people at all but I was just kind of surprised. The grin on Jamies face when we were walking up there should've let me know though! We just walked in for a look-around and then walked back down Bourbon Street, it was like 1 in the morning and we were tired as hell from driving and all that stuff so we didn't do anything else really.

We went back to the room and couldn't go to sleep right away, well, Billy could... motherfucker was snoring within 25 seconds of laying down in the bed. They have THE most comfortable comforters and a really nice bed. Unfortunately I have to share a bed with Jamie.... Jamies girl isn't with him.... Jamie sometimes feels lonely... needless to say, I sleep with a chastity belt on.

We met a group of norweigan people down while checking in and I overheard them speaking Norweigan, so Jamie and Shawn told me to go up and talk to them. I went up and talked to them (Swedish and Norweigan is very closely related) and they were pretty shocked to find some Swedish person. When we came back to the hotel and were just chilling in the room, Jamie decided that he too wanted to learn Swedish. I asked him what he wanted to learn and he decided on a phrase that'd make it easy for him incase he ever traveled to Sweden, so he settled for, "Teach me how to say norweigan fag"... then he also decided that wasn't going to be enough, so he added "Tell me how to say I'm hungry!". Now Jamie officially speaks Swedish. I'm amazed he still remembered the phrases today when I met up with him. He sounded like a retarded boy trying to learn how to talk when he tried to pronounce the words though, I was absolutely rolling in laughter listening to him sounding like a complete fucking re-re. I wish I had it taped, because it was fucking hilarious.

That's about all for today, I'll post more tomorrow.

Male underwear model looking for work

So we're standing out by the truck just talking and waiting on Shawn to come with the keys. It's me, Jamie, Billy and Stumpy and we're just chit-chatting. All of a sudden, Jamie interjects, "Man, I really have a great ass." and I look over at him and he's got his hand all the way down his pants grabbing his own ass. Now, I have nothing against people admiring themselves but that was borderline disturbing. He wasn't just, you know, slightly feeling of it he was grabbing that ass like a prisoner who just got out of jail after doing 15 years. If there's any Calvin Klein, Hanes or Fruit of the Loom representative reading this blog call us because Jamie needs work. Actually, we're all pretty much broke so if you're just a freaky old fucker that wants to take pictures of a half-naked dude in your garage we'll send him over for that too.

We were supposed to go to New Orleans this morning, but Billy wanted to play another tournament so he could make the winning hand, muck it and get busted out of the tournament (inside joke) so we ended up staying another day. We're pretty much running out of tournaments to play down there, there's a ladies event left and one more before the main event. They might not let us play the ladies event... hmm...

Online play has been going alright, I haven't played any in the casino. I played a few minor tournaments tonight, won pretty big playing some 3/6 Pot Limit Omaha and 30/60 Omaha 8 or better, but ended up giving away about $1200 in the 30/60 Limit Hold'em game online. If I hadn't played that last limit hold'em session I would've won pretty good for the night, I was trying to play like Tim Burt and raise every god damn hand but I lacked the key element that lets Burt win millions upon millions online, luck. If he would play limit hold'em blindfolded without ever looking at his cards, he'd end up with the same result. He just raises every hand, hits every flop and lands every draw which makes it look pretty easy for him. A little known fact about Tim is that when he plays online on Full Tilt Poker, he actually talked to the administrators of the site and had his "Fold", "Call" and "Check" button removed and instead he's got three buttons that all say "Raise", just incase he ever misclicks.

I ended up having the worst online session in a few months shortly after writing this blog, dropped somewhere around $2200 playing 2/4 no limit 6-max tables getting thoroughly steamrolled and outplayed. It's always frustrating to play when your opponents is always one step ahead of you, raising and reraising me every hand and every time I seem to take a stand or move in on a draw I either miss or they actually have a huge hand. I don't think I've had a losing session this big, while playing stakes this small in a while. Time to go back into donkbusting mode and get energy drinks and cheetos so I can stay up all night and get it back!

The zero-sum day

We woke up at about three PM I guess and we started playing poker on the laptops. I got stuck almost $2000 right off the god damn bat and I was ready to throw my mouse out the window into the yard until I realized that it would be awfully childish to do such a thing. (Jamie threw his mouse out in the yard after taking a 1-outer beat back in Tunica) instead I went about it in an adult fashion and cussed, screamed and started telling them in the chat how much they absolutely suck. In other words, being Tim Burt. I was pretty much fuming. Speaking of Tim Burt, he called me earlier today while playing 20/40 and I was laughing so fucking hard. He was in the middle of telling me a story when I hear him say "Oh my god, you did not just fucking call me with that."

Then he continued, "You play so damn bad sir, I swear to god. Bottom pair? Good catch, good job sir." then he tells me on the phone "These players are so fucking bad it is amazing."

I was rolling. I love Burt to death, watching him take bad beats is the funniest shit in the entire world to me. Now don't get me wrong, I hate to see him lose money but the "Tim Burt Show" that usually starts playing after the donkeys hung him on the wall and took turns pinning his ass is worth watching. It is completely amazing to me he hasn't been knocked the fuck out on more than one occasion. Back to the online session, I somehow managed to come back and if I hadn't ended the session by running a stone-cold bluff where I threw away about $540 I would've ended ahead $500. Instead I broke even.

Jamie sent Billy over to play 3/6 Limit Hold'em at the casino today, poor guy. He had to sit in at that game all damn day. He went out there at about 8 am and when Jamie called him at four he asked "Billy, how we doing?" and Billy said "We're three hundred winner!" I told you guys Billy is my hero, he is seriously so god damn funny I am rolling laughing nearly constantly. The way these guys jab at eachother with the comments has me in tears laughing. I couldn't have found a better group of crackheads to go on a roadtrip with.

We ate at some chinese buffet today too, it wasn't too bad but it still fucked up my stomach. Shawn found these tiny little steaks that were very well-done but they suspiciously looked like one of the stray cats I saw running around the hotel the other night. I poked one a bit with a chopstick and I swear I heard it go "meow", I could be wrong, but I didn't wanna take my chances. The sweet and sour chicken (wait a minute, was it really chicken...?) was still good though, and the waitress was pretty cute. We then headed back to the casino to pick up Billy and eat at the buffet again. I feel like all I've done all god damn day is eat, lay on the bed and eat some more. I still am exhausted, being a bum is damn hard work, I tell you that much.

The plan looks like we're going back to the casino at 3 am, then driving straight to New Orleans, for the five and a half or however many hours it might take to continue the mayhem down there. Bourbon street sounds like fun to me, and I'm slacking behind my money goal anyway. According to my dayplanner I should've made atleast $750,000 by now... better get to work! On a related note, Jamie posted his second consecutive winning session! Perhaps things are starting to turn around for him finally? He does make Stud 8 or better his bitch.

To the victor goes the spoils

Well, May 21st was a bad day to be a donkey because man, they got smoked. I had an amazing hand in the 5/10 No Limit game when I flopped four aces, I checked and to my surprise the other guy moves all-in for nearly $3000, he barely had me covered and I called, he turned over seven-deuce for no pair and he was drawing dead and the dealer shipped me a mountain of a pot filled with black hundred dollar chips, $100 bills and $5 chips!

Then I woke up by the dealer prompting me it was my turn to act in the shitty little 10/20/30 Omaha and I realized I had been daydreaming. Oh well. The Omaha game was pretty interesting though, normally I get extremely bored while playing because you're just sitting there waiting for the next hand and you've seen all the hands played over and over and over again and nothing really surprises you anymore...


...


I was fucking surprised. I was sitting at that Omaha game taking turns scratching my head wondering "what the fuck?", leaning back in my chair throwing my hands up in the air thinking "What the FUCK?!" and just walking over to Shawn explaining to him how this one guy just put in about seventeen bets drawing stone cold fucking dead or something similar. It was crazy.

At one point a big hand was brewing, they capped it preflop for $90, the flop was dealt and it was yet again capped. I'm sitting here trying to put people on hands (Ha!) and figuring out who has what. By the time the turn-card was dealt, I figured there was atleast a top full house battling it out vs four-of-a-kind. Then the river was dealt, donkey number one bets, donkey number two instantly raises it up and gets called. The man who called him down asks, "So what do you have?"

This is the part where I am sitting there patting myself on the good read for correctly putting the guy on quads of some sort, and waiting for him to turn over the hand to confirm.

"I ain't' got a god damn thing!" he proclaims, and shows his hand. He had a busted one-pair draw, I think. There might've been a jack high flushdraw in there too, I just about spit my fucking drink all over the table trying to contain my laughter as I didn't want to be rude. The other guy proudly flips over middle two pair and drags the monster pot. I had to take a walk after that hand as I couldn't look back at the guy who said he didn't have a god damn thing without bursting out into laughter. Man, oh man.

I ended up getting stuck a couple of hundred in the game, thanks to being outplayed by people mentioned above and realized I have to go back to playing no limit. The line-up wasn't actually half as donkeyish as it normally is but I managed to win back what I lost and ended up with a $120 profit on top of it. Not too bad, nothing special but it's alright.

On a completely unrelated sidenote, Jamie brought me chicken mcnuggets and a coke while I was playing online and I sat the coke down on the table next to the bed. The iPod was also laying on the table next to the bed. The coke decided that it was tired of the nazi ways of being oppressed and forced to stay inside the cup and somehow managed to float onto the table completely soaking the iPod. Great. I tried to play the iPod at the table and it now acts like a little poltergeist has possessed it and decides what song is going to be played, when it's going to play and most importantly what volume it will decide to be played at. I no longer have any control over my iPod. In a way it'd be a lot cooler if my iPod actually did get possessed by some unearthly being instead of just being water-damaged. That'd be way exciting, I think.

Jamie somehow ended up winning while playing online, I think hell froze over, peace settled over planet earth and George Bush finally figured out how to pronounce "nuclear". All of these events seemed equally likely to take place, about a week ago. I'm proud of little Jamiepoo, maybe he's actually starting to run better? Perhaps I can even dare to go somewhere with him when it's raining and thundering outside now without being afraid I'll get struck by a lightning bolt.

Played another short session after getting home from the hotel, won about $300 and called it a night. Now I'm going to try to get to sleep, if possible. These three guys all started snoring at the same fucking time last night and while it first was annoying as fuck that they all were snoring, after about five minutes of listening to it, it was actually somewhat fascinating. Jamie was doing the high pitched snore lead vocals style, Shawn the more intense drum-n-bass type snore while Billy was keeping the beat in the background with his low, steady snores. If I fall asleep first tonight maybe I won't have to go through a repeat. Take care and I'll stop by tomorrow again.

Rematch time.

I'm getting ready to throw myself into the moshpit better known as the poker room at Pearl River Resort, I've been just taking it easy all day in the room because I'm lazy like that. We all went to bed last night at about 7 am and we were supposed to check out at 11, at 11:30 the maid comes and knocks on the door and asks us if we're staying another night. The front desk said they were completely sold out and that they very rarely, if ever, have any cancellations.

We realize that we have to pack our shit and get up and move to another hotel when Billy says, "Why don't we just say one of us is sick and can't get out of bed, and they might give us another night."

Shawn laughed a bit and said "buddy, they said they have no more rooms, none... but if you want to try and call them, go ahead."

I was half-asleep, still in bed at this point when Billy picked up the phone and told the hotel-lady that one of us were really sick and was having the shivers really badly and we'd need some help moving him out if we have to check-out today. He said that he could offer her some money if that would help! Two minutes later he had gotten us an extension of the room. Since this moment, Billy is my hero.

I played some tournaments online, came real close in a $109 rebuy on PokerStars that I ultimately finished 10th in for $570 and won a bit in the cashgames, somewhere around $1200. I'm now headed down to the casino after Shawn gets out of the shower. I've been shadow-boxing in the shower while humming the theme-song for "Rocky" getting myself ready to school these donkeys. If I lose tonight too, I might start playing something else. Scrabble, no-limit Yatzy... the options are endless but one thing is for damn sure if I can't win against these people I can't win at all. It's personal now.

It's kind of funny looking at the 3/6 game that they have down here, people have like four or five racks of chips ($400-500) to play a 3/6 limit game! The way these people play they need every god damn chip they can get. I would honestly be thoroughly surprised if they even look at the damn cards before they decide what to do.

I'll update it later if I make it out of this alive. Over and out.

Battle at the Donkfest, the rabbit got ahold of the gun.

So I went into the Pearl River Resort thinking about how bad these donks played, I was licking my chops thinking I might make so much money we'd have to take Billy's truck on three or four trips back from the casino with the bags of money I was liable to make.

I sit down and I scan the table, I couldn't find a single guy or girl at the table who looked like they had any clue what they were doing. Chips were flying around back and forth, people shouting "raise, reraise, I reraise" back and forth and when the dust settled the cards would flip up on the table and nobody knew who won for the first 15 seconds. It was a sight to see.

Right off the bat, I get dealt A-K, flopped K-9-3 and a 9 turned, the donk checked to me and I checked as well, river he checks to me again and checkraises me from $40 to $80, I call and pay him off and shows me A-9. Round one, donkey wins by K.O.

I strapped my boxing-gloves on (not literally, dumbass, ever tried shuffling chips with boxing-gloves on?) then I silently told myself "It's on now motherfuckers". I crank up the iPod with the Godsmack song "I fucking hate you" and was ready to get in the zone. I end up losing another couple of pots and win a couple small ones and I end the session down $24. The donkeys had won, it was a blow to my ego to have to walk out with my tail between my legs instead of my hands full of money. Ah, well, there's always a day tomorrow.

Before we went down to the casino, I played some online, I won about $250 on PokerStars and Jamie was messing around on Pacific Poker. He asked me "Swedepie", (He's the only one who'd get away with that shit), "Do you wanna play this $28 tournament for me online?",

I said that I would if he wanted me to and he said he did, so I ended up playing it. Well, I ended up winning it after a few hours for $1500 so that was a good start to the trip.

Total tally for the night is up $250 on PokerStars, up $1500 (+750 for me) on Pacific and -$24 in the casino. $976 winner, that was an alright first day.

Winnings so far: $976
Money left before the goal is reached: $23,999,024

The first entry, Philadelphia, Mississippi.

Well, here I am at the hotelroom in Philadelphia, Mississippi. This morning I woke up at home in Lake Cormorant tired as hell and checked my messages on the phone, one was from Jamie telling me to give him a call as soon as I woke up. I called him back, and he says "Are you ready to go?"

"Go where?", I asked.

"We're heading on the road, pack your shit, we'll be there in twenty minutes."

Three and a half hours later I'm down here in Philadelphia with these donksters and the plan looks like we're going to New Orleans and possibly a longer road-trip after that all the way to Vegas. I've never been out west at all, so I'm looking forward to it. As long as I can avoid getting into shit with all these troublemakers and we actually make it out there without being thrown in jail somewhere things should be good. Maybe.

I went over to look at the no limit game over at the Pearl River Resort or whatever the hell they call it down here and from the looks of it, they can't play a lick, that's good. I'll fit right in. We just got through eating at the buffet they had at the casino and they actually had a really nice buffet. We had some crablegs and unfortunately I can't eat those without making more of a mess than your average 6-year old kid insisting they can "do it themselves" so I was in dire need of a shower after getting through eating, but hell, it was good. Jamie had some chocolate-covered strawberries and I managed to snap a pretty good picture. Me and Shawn laughed our asses off, now you can talk about somebody making a fucking mess while eating!





Other than that, things are good and I'm looking forward to making about twenty-four million dollars over the course of the next two months. I'm going to put a dent into that hopefully tonight and start out by winning a few hundred against these no-playing-sons-of-bitches over at the Pearl River Resort, I'll keep you updated.

I plan on keeping this blog so I can look back and laugh at the retarded things we're bound to get into, so I'll see if I can keep it regularly updated. I'm not much of a writer, and english isn't my first language so I'm already in pretty fucking bad shape when it comes to writing a blog but I'm all about defying the odds (which is why I still have a blackjack addiction) so I'm going to give it my best shot.

Chris